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I've had some dreams for a long time now. The first dream I had, I knew I wanted to be a professional guitarist. I spent more time practicing, and then I worked at 3 jobs while I was in school so I could buy some hardware that my favorite musician uses. I lost those jobs when the pandemic hit, and I was left to my own devices without income.

I had an idea for software to work on, but I ended up in a psych ward with psychosis and was there for about 18 days. My mood was always cycling through extremes, but I had a journal to write all of my ideas in when I was relatively calm. Most of them were trash, but I had a few good ones that I could work on. I also drew out some music diagrams to study. I was eventually able to leave, but I got burnt out when the medications finally brought me down. I crashed and burned and went back to the psych ward with depression.

I felt like I didn't have the energy to do anything. I just laid in bed for the first few days, without eating. I ended up having kidney stones and the head nurse didn't believe I was in as much pain as I said I was in. It sucked. Since I wasn't eating, my blood sugar was low and they started pricking my finger every day for like a week.

I eventually got a little better, got discharged, and ended up back in the psych ward again. This time, I went manic during the school semester and I had to drop out on my birthday. I finally got diagnosed with Bipolar I, and I stayed in a residential treatment facility for about a year. The new medications were right, but once I go manic, I'm still a bit "off" for months. They generally kept me away from computers for extended periods of time because if I were to post something on social media, people would have known that something was "off" about me because when I did post a few times, they were a bit delusional.

I've been out of treatment for about a year, but I'm still in therapy, I still take medications, and I still see a psychiatrist.

Getting better is a never-ending process.
The suffering will end.
I had some dreams between now and then,
I've also spent time on them.
Life may take me all the way down,
But one day, I'll be where I've never been.


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